I just had my port accessed for chemo; the premeds are running and I am waiting for the chemo to arrive. I met with Dr. Winegarden this morning and we discussed my counts and chemo. Thankfully I am able to proceed with treatment. He was disappointed to see that my HCG had risen, but agreed that the decreased rate at which it was rising may be a good sign. I will have chemo today and next Thursday, then we will have another CT Scan on July 6 to see how things have changed. So it is business as usual for another week, and then we will re-evaluate.
My WBC count is at 2.6 and my neutrophils are 1.4. That is slightly higher than last weeks numbers, so the Neupogen shots are doing their job. I will continue with them this weekend to boost my counts back up again for next week.
I continue to feel great! I jogged again yesterday and have greatly increased the distance. I can now run between a quarter and a half mile. I also now have a Wii and a Wii Fit. A Wii is an interactive video game system, and Wii Fit is a game that helps you work out. There is a computer animated trainer that leads you in yoga, aerobics, strength, and balance training. It is very cool and it is an excellent workout. Thank you to Megan and several friends that went in on purchasing this for me for Father's Day! It was a great gift and it is a great help these weeks that I cannot go to the gym.
This past week I feel like something has changed. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I have felt a new confidence growing, and I feel like I am truly beating this cancer now. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I have felt confident since day one, but this feels different. I don't know if I can truly describe this feeling, but it is as if I have been trying to coerce the cancer to behave for 8 months, and my body has finally decided it has had enough. It is time to shape up or ship out. The cancer has had it's opportunity to shape up, so now it is time to ship out. It is almost as if I can feel the healthy cells in my body taking over and saying, "We have had enough; we are taking over and the cancer is done."
I can't point to anything scientific to support this feeling, as I am sure that any tests or scans would still show active cancer at this point. In fact, the data may indicate just the opposite is happening, but when the day does come that I receive a clean bill of health, I will point to June 25, 2009 as the day the tide turned. It is just a feeling I woke up with today. It is something that I feel in my heart, my soul, and in my bones. I feel that I have turned the corner on cancer and I will not look back from here!
I have been to hell and back twice now, but I don't plan on logging any more frequent flier miles! I am too strong and too determined to allow this cancer to beat me, and I declare that today is the beginning of the end of my cancer! If you think that I have fought hard thus far, you have not seen anything yet!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Happy Father's Day!
Happy Father's Day to all of you Dad's out there! I am looking forward to my first Father's Day tomorrow. I suppose it is a bit ironic that my cancer came coupled with one of the greatest things that has ever happened in my life, fatherhood. I don't know where I would be right now without my little buddy! It is great to be a Dad!
I was able to go ahead with another treatment of chemo on Thursday. My counts had dropped tremendously from Monday though. My WBC were down to 2.7 and my neutrophils were back down to 1.2. It is amazing how quickly they fluctuate. The plan now is to count this past Thursday as Day 1 of Round 2, and I am back on the Neupogen shots to get my counts back up so that I don't have to miss a week. Hopefully with the shots I can get in a full 3 weeks this round. I still am feeling great, and that is helping me to keep going. Normally they will not do chemo when neutrophils drop below 1.5, but this is the second time they have allowed me to push ahead because I am feeling and looking so well. They also backed off of the decadron, so I was able to get some sleep on Thursday night. This time I fell asleep at 10 pm, but woke up at 3 am and was up for the rest of the night. I guess half a night of sleep is better than no sleep.
They did check my HCG on Thursday as well, and it is up to 848. You may recall that the last HCG level was about 250 three weeks ago. It is difficult to say what this means at this time because I only had 2 days of chemo in the first round. I am encouraged by this number because it may at least show that the HCG is not rising as fast. When I had it checked weekly for 3 consecutive weeks prior to this chemo, it was more than doubling each week. If that had continued the HCG would now be over 2000. So in that regard 848 looks pretty good. I will have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday before my next dose of chemo and will see what he thinks then. I don't expect that anything will change; this is still pretty early and we will hopefully see a drop in the HCG after 3 more weeks of chemo.
The next few weeks will be a game of alternating between chemo and Neupogen; pumping up my blood counts only to knock them back down. This should also continue to knock down the cancer as they pump more chemo into me. This will keep me home most of the time since my blood counts are so erratic. I truly feel stronger and stronger everyday though, and I feel like this cancer is just barely hanging on. If I could only find it's fingers I would pry them loose and kick it out the door. Maybe a few more weeks of Taxol and Gemzar will do just that!
I was able to go ahead with another treatment of chemo on Thursday. My counts had dropped tremendously from Monday though. My WBC were down to 2.7 and my neutrophils were back down to 1.2. It is amazing how quickly they fluctuate. The plan now is to count this past Thursday as Day 1 of Round 2, and I am back on the Neupogen shots to get my counts back up so that I don't have to miss a week. Hopefully with the shots I can get in a full 3 weeks this round. I still am feeling great, and that is helping me to keep going. Normally they will not do chemo when neutrophils drop below 1.5, but this is the second time they have allowed me to push ahead because I am feeling and looking so well. They also backed off of the decadron, so I was able to get some sleep on Thursday night. This time I fell asleep at 10 pm, but woke up at 3 am and was up for the rest of the night. I guess half a night of sleep is better than no sleep.
They did check my HCG on Thursday as well, and it is up to 848. You may recall that the last HCG level was about 250 three weeks ago. It is difficult to say what this means at this time because I only had 2 days of chemo in the first round. I am encouraged by this number because it may at least show that the HCG is not rising as fast. When I had it checked weekly for 3 consecutive weeks prior to this chemo, it was more than doubling each week. If that had continued the HCG would now be over 2000. So in that regard 848 looks pretty good. I will have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday before my next dose of chemo and will see what he thinks then. I don't expect that anything will change; this is still pretty early and we will hopefully see a drop in the HCG after 3 more weeks of chemo.
The next few weeks will be a game of alternating between chemo and Neupogen; pumping up my blood counts only to knock them back down. This should also continue to knock down the cancer as they pump more chemo into me. This will keep me home most of the time since my blood counts are so erratic. I truly feel stronger and stronger everyday though, and I feel like this cancer is just barely hanging on. If I could only find it's fingers I would pry them loose and kick it out the door. Maybe a few more weeks of Taxol and Gemzar will do just that!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Counts are Back Up!
I had my blood drawn yesterday and my counts are back up! My WBC's have jumped back up to 7.0, and my neutrophils are back up to 4.6! This is a tremendous rebound, and means that I will be able to continue with chemo on Thursday. It seems kind of strange to hope for raised counts, only to turn around and take more chemo and knock them back down, but that is the way this works.
What is amazing is that my counts jumped up so quickly. This is the highest they have been in months, and it makes me think that my immune system is not entirely dead from the high dose chemo. I am still being cautious this week, because I don't know how stable these numbers are. Obviously the neupogen shots pushed these numbers back up, and I wonder how long they will stay there. I wouldn't be surprised if they fell back down a bit in these few days before chemo on Thursday. Either way, chemo is on for Thursday and we can start killing cancer again!
I still continue to feel very good. I jogged again this morning, added a little more distance. I think I may be up to a quarter of a mile. It feels great to be getting stronger, and I know that I am stronger than this cancer.
I want to thank Seiji for sharing this blog with so many people. It has been great to hear from so many friends from the MMB (Michigan Marching Band for those non-bando's out there). It has been overwhelming to hear from all of you, and it certainly has been uplifting! Go Blue!
I mentioned last week that we had some photos taken by a photographer. She is a friend of Megan's from college, and an amazing photographer. She posted some of our photos to her blog and wrote some touching words about our family. You can see the photos at www.katfoleyphoto.com. Click on the link to her blog and scroll down to her June 9 entry. They are great photos, and if you are looking for a photographer, I would highly recommend her.
I will have my tumor marker checked again on Thursday, and will likely get the results that day or Friday. I am anxious to see how the number has changed, and I will certainly let you all know what we find out. Thanks again for all of your support and prayers.
What is amazing is that my counts jumped up so quickly. This is the highest they have been in months, and it makes me think that my immune system is not entirely dead from the high dose chemo. I am still being cautious this week, because I don't know how stable these numbers are. Obviously the neupogen shots pushed these numbers back up, and I wonder how long they will stay there. I wouldn't be surprised if they fell back down a bit in these few days before chemo on Thursday. Either way, chemo is on for Thursday and we can start killing cancer again!
I still continue to feel very good. I jogged again this morning, added a little more distance. I think I may be up to a quarter of a mile. It feels great to be getting stronger, and I know that I am stronger than this cancer.
I want to thank Seiji for sharing this blog with so many people. It has been great to hear from so many friends from the MMB (Michigan Marching Band for those non-bando's out there). It has been overwhelming to hear from all of you, and it certainly has been uplifting! Go Blue!
I mentioned last week that we had some photos taken by a photographer. She is a friend of Megan's from college, and an amazing photographer. She posted some of our photos to her blog and wrote some touching words about our family. You can see the photos at www.katfoleyphoto.com. Click on the link to her blog and scroll down to her June 9 entry. They are great photos, and if you are looking for a photographer, I would highly recommend her.
I will have my tumor marker checked again on Thursday, and will likely get the results that day or Friday. I am anxious to see how the number has changed, and I will certainly let you all know what we find out. Thanks again for all of your support and prayers.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Counts are Down; Off-Week Comes Early
It's another beautiful Sunday morning in Michigan. We are enjoying our new home with eastern facing windows on these sunny mornings. Ethan never fails to make sure we are up to enjoy the mornings!
I had an appointment for chemo on Thursday morning. Unfortunately my blood counts had dropped even lower and the doctor cancelled the chemo. My WBC's were down to 1.7, and my neutrophils were down to 0.8. The key is the neutrophil count. When I was in the hospital in Indiana they would not release me until my neutrophils were up to 1.5. Last week my count was at 1.1, but they went ahead with chemo. This week at 0.8 it was just too low. I was very disappointed that I could not proceed with chemo, but it was the right thing to do. The reason I had treatment in Indy was to have the stem cell rescue. They transplanted my own stem cells because the chemo took my counts so low that my body would not have rebounded without the infusion of stem cells. With counts at 0.8, I can't afford to let it go much lower or my body may not recover on it's own.
So I have been giving myself a shot of Neupogen every day; a medication to stimulate the bone marrow to produce more blood cells. It is the same thing I took before treatment in Indy to boost my counts. I will be back in AA tomorrow morning to check my counts and am scheduled for chemo on Thursday again. This week was scheduled for a week off from chemo, but now we are counting last week as my off-week and we will proceed with treatment this week. I will also have my HCG checked on Thursday, so we may have an idea of how well this treatment is working by the end of the week.
I continue to feel good. I am certainly more tired this week, and the numbness in my feet is increasing. My left foot seems to be the worse of the two for some reason. My right foot is only slightly numb. It doesn't really slow me down, though, I have grown used to it and can still walk and even run. I jogged a little on Wednesday and on Saturday morning. I still can not jog very far, but am increasing the distance slightly each time. We are still speaking in terms of a few hundred yards, but it feels good to be making progress.
I do have to stay home and quarantine myself again due to the low counts. That means I won't be able to attend the Livestrong class at the Y this week, and no more fresh fruits and vegetables. The risk of infection is just too great. Thankfully I can get outside in the nice weather and get some exercise. I can also do most of my strength training at home with an exercise ball and some resistance bands. It is amazing how effective those can be when you know what you are doing with them. The hard part is giving up the fresh fruits and vegetables. I have really enjoyed my healthier lifestyle since returning from Indy, and have been loading up on fruits and veggies. This is the perfect time of year to do that. Veggies are easy enough to cook, but fruit is a little more difficult. Megan is planning on making me some blueberry muffins though. Hopefully this chemo will deal the decisive blow this time, and I will be able to enjoy the fruits of summer soon.
Thank you all for the overwhelming response to the last blog. You all inspire me! There have been many days that I have logged on to find your comments and they remind me of how lucky I am to have so many family and friends that care for me. You have been pushing me along for nearly 8 months now, and I sense that the finish line is just around the corner. I know that when I finally cross that finish line, cancer free, you all will be waiting with open arms. I can almost see you in the distance, and I am ready to start my sprint to the end.
I had an appointment for chemo on Thursday morning. Unfortunately my blood counts had dropped even lower and the doctor cancelled the chemo. My WBC's were down to 1.7, and my neutrophils were down to 0.8. The key is the neutrophil count. When I was in the hospital in Indiana they would not release me until my neutrophils were up to 1.5. Last week my count was at 1.1, but they went ahead with chemo. This week at 0.8 it was just too low. I was very disappointed that I could not proceed with chemo, but it was the right thing to do. The reason I had treatment in Indy was to have the stem cell rescue. They transplanted my own stem cells because the chemo took my counts so low that my body would not have rebounded without the infusion of stem cells. With counts at 0.8, I can't afford to let it go much lower or my body may not recover on it's own.
So I have been giving myself a shot of Neupogen every day; a medication to stimulate the bone marrow to produce more blood cells. It is the same thing I took before treatment in Indy to boost my counts. I will be back in AA tomorrow morning to check my counts and am scheduled for chemo on Thursday again. This week was scheduled for a week off from chemo, but now we are counting last week as my off-week and we will proceed with treatment this week. I will also have my HCG checked on Thursday, so we may have an idea of how well this treatment is working by the end of the week.
I continue to feel good. I am certainly more tired this week, and the numbness in my feet is increasing. My left foot seems to be the worse of the two for some reason. My right foot is only slightly numb. It doesn't really slow me down, though, I have grown used to it and can still walk and even run. I jogged a little on Wednesday and on Saturday morning. I still can not jog very far, but am increasing the distance slightly each time. We are still speaking in terms of a few hundred yards, but it feels good to be making progress.
I do have to stay home and quarantine myself again due to the low counts. That means I won't be able to attend the Livestrong class at the Y this week, and no more fresh fruits and vegetables. The risk of infection is just too great. Thankfully I can get outside in the nice weather and get some exercise. I can also do most of my strength training at home with an exercise ball and some resistance bands. It is amazing how effective those can be when you know what you are doing with them. The hard part is giving up the fresh fruits and vegetables. I have really enjoyed my healthier lifestyle since returning from Indy, and have been loading up on fruits and veggies. This is the perfect time of year to do that. Veggies are easy enough to cook, but fruit is a little more difficult. Megan is planning on making me some blueberry muffins though. Hopefully this chemo will deal the decisive blow this time, and I will be able to enjoy the fruits of summer soon.
Thank you all for the overwhelming response to the last blog. You all inspire me! There have been many days that I have logged on to find your comments and they remind me of how lucky I am to have so many family and friends that care for me. You have been pushing me along for nearly 8 months now, and I sense that the finish line is just around the corner. I know that when I finally cross that finish line, cancer free, you all will be waiting with open arms. I can almost see you in the distance, and I am ready to start my sprint to the end.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Ethan's 9 Month...Er, 10 Month Check-Up
Well, we finally got little man to the doctor, only one month off schedule.
Here's his stats:
21 lbs., 9 oz.
30 1/4" tall
Ethan is average weight, but 75% in height! Looks like he's going to be tall!
Over the last few days, Ethan has started walking without the benefit of furniture or an extra hand from his parents. Tonight, he was walking around with two blocks in his hands, shaking them. The doctor asked if he had started crawling yet! Ethan has also discovered how to open drawers & cabinet doors...and they don't have handles!
Ethan continues to show more and more interest in feeding himself. Frequently, he grabs the spoon I am using to feed him and flings food all over the kitchen. Mopping is mommy's new pastime. He loves avocado, peaches, blueberries, sweet potatoes, bananas, pasta...anything he can get his hands on! He skipped over the sippy cup phase and just likes to drink out of a cup.
Waving is a new pastime of Ethan's. If you are lucky, you get a double wave! I look forward to waking up each day to see what new skill Ethan will show me.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Enjoy the wind in your hair...
I got through the second week of chemo, and I continue to feel good. The decadron did keep me awake all night on Thursday. I did not fall asleep until 10 am on Friday. I did get a few hours of sleep during the day, and napped a lot on Saturday as well. I guess it is better than being sick. I do look forward to a reduced dose of decadron this week, and an earlier appointment. Hopefully that means I will be able to sleep this Thursday night.
Other than that, the only other side effect is that the neuropathy in my feet may be increasing again. It is hard to tell for sure. When I returned from Indy my feet were numb. They had improved to the point that it was just my toes and the balls of my feet that were numb. That is still the case, but I also have some other sensations in my feet. Often it feels like my sock is rolled under my foot, or as if someone is pushing against the bottom of my feet. This may or may not be due to the new round of chemo. Again, it is a small price to pay.
I continue to walk everyday, and yesterday I ran for the first time. Granted, it was only a hundred or so yards, but I did jog while on my daily walk. It felt good to be able to run, because when I tried back in April I just did not have the muscle coordination to run. Now I can start jogging little by little, and can begin strengthening those muscles.
It is hard to believe that it is now June, and I am still dealing with the cancer. I certainly thought that by this time the cancer would be gone, and I would just be focused on things like building up my strength and getting back to work. With the low blood counts, I still cannot go back to work. I will continue to build my strength, but I also must still find a way to defeat this cancer. It is a hard thing to reconcile that after all of the chemo that has been pumped through my body, the cancer is still active. To return to the cancer clinic at St. Joe's for more chemo, nearly 8 months after I started there, has been difficult. I love the nurses there that have treated me so well, but even they are disappointed to see me back under these circumstances. It does make you wonder why, how, and what if . . .?
Those are tough questions that I pushed aside 8 months ago due to their irrelevance. I could not answer those questions when this started, and I still cannot now. They still hold no bearing on what my future holds. They do become harder to ignore after 8 months and at the beginning of the third line of treatment. Why can't I beat this, and what if I don't beat it, are not pleasant questions to be asking yourself. I can't say that I dwelt on them, but they did start to gnaw at me, at least up until 3 weeks ago today.
As I took my walk this morning with Ethan, I was reminded of a similar walk three weeks ago, that helped me put those questions behind me once again. It had not been a full week since I had found out that my tumor marker was rising again, but it had been a rough week. I was faced with not only the how's, why's, and what if's, but also the thought of what now? I was worried about myself and about my family, and what they would do without me. I went for a walk that sunny Sunday morning for about an hour and a half, and I prayed the whole time. Prayer has always been important to me, but I have never prayed that long of a prayer in my life. I asked God the questions that had been troubling me all week, and I told Him what I hoped the answers were. I told Him that I did not feel that I was ready to give up down here, and that I still had a lot to contribute to this world. In the end, my plea was simple, I just want to be. I want to be a husband, a father, and a Christian. Beyond that it is all just icing on the cake. I did not try to make a deal with the Lord, but I told him if he continued to give me the strength to fight this, I would beat it and I would be committed to be a better person than I was before; a better husband, a better father, and a better Christian.
Now I know not all of you reading this may share my belief system, but bear with me here a little longer. I am not going to tell you that a booming voice answered my prayer that morning, or that I returned home to find some unmistakable sign from above. I did, however, feel an answer to my prayer. I felt a sense of relief when I finished my prayer. I felt that I had gotten a lot off of my chest, and that the worry I had begun the day carrying was gone. I can't cite the verse, but I know that scripture suggests we allow God to carry our burdens for us. I never really knew how to do that, but since that prayer I have felt that my burdens are gone. Those disturbing questions may still creep into my thoughts at times, but they don't last and they do not haunt me. I no longer fear what the future holds for me, and I have gained a new appreciation for the present. I can truly say that I am no longer worried about cancer. It may sound crazy, but the worry and the fear disappeared.
Instead I am savoring life; at least as much as one can between appointments and treatment. That morning three weeks ago was a beautiful Spring day, and I watched Ethan giggle as the warm breeze lifted the hair up off of his head. I was so worried about what my future may or may not look like, I was beginning to ignore the beauty of the moment. I was worried about whether I would be around to teach Ethan all of the things a father should teach a son, and then his joy in experiencing his first Spring breeze taught me a lesson. Whether faced with cancer or not, our days on this earth are numbered. In the face of cancer it may seem that the number is smaller than it should be, but we still have no way of knowing how many days are left in our lives. Why not spend them giggling at the wind in you hair, instead of pulling it out worrying about the future?
So whether I have 5 days or 5 million days left, why would I spend them worrying and wondering when and how it would come. Instead I am going to enjoy every moment I have, and if I live to be a hundred and two, just imagine the fun I will have in all of those days. I am going to start working on being a better husband, father, and Christian now, rather than waiting until I beat cancer. I am not going to worry nor be afraid, but I am going to focus on being healthy and strong. In the end, I will do everything that I am able to be a better and stronger person. I am going to enjoy life and giggle with Ethan when the wind lifts the hair off his head. It will either be enough to beat cancer or it won't, but either way it will have been worth the ride. Then I will put my faith into God's hands because he has a plan that is far greater than any I can imagine.
It is easy to become consumed with fear and worry, but that is no way to spend your days, no matter how many you have left, nor whether or not you have cancer. My cancer has proven more stubborn than I had expected, but it cannot match my stubbornness. I will fight it every day of my life, but I won't let it run my life. The highlight of my day today was being beaten up by a ten month old! Ethan decided it was time to take on Dad, and he gave it everything he had; he hit me with toy cars, plastic rings, pacifiers, and smacked me with his bare hands. The whole time he shrieked with glee as he won his first wrestling match. When he wakes up from his nap, he will get his first lesson of revenge in the form of some serious tickling. To me, that is a much better way to spend the day than worrying about tomorrow.
Other than that, the only other side effect is that the neuropathy in my feet may be increasing again. It is hard to tell for sure. When I returned from Indy my feet were numb. They had improved to the point that it was just my toes and the balls of my feet that were numb. That is still the case, but I also have some other sensations in my feet. Often it feels like my sock is rolled under my foot, or as if someone is pushing against the bottom of my feet. This may or may not be due to the new round of chemo. Again, it is a small price to pay.
I continue to walk everyday, and yesterday I ran for the first time. Granted, it was only a hundred or so yards, but I did jog while on my daily walk. It felt good to be able to run, because when I tried back in April I just did not have the muscle coordination to run. Now I can start jogging little by little, and can begin strengthening those muscles.
It is hard to believe that it is now June, and I am still dealing with the cancer. I certainly thought that by this time the cancer would be gone, and I would just be focused on things like building up my strength and getting back to work. With the low blood counts, I still cannot go back to work. I will continue to build my strength, but I also must still find a way to defeat this cancer. It is a hard thing to reconcile that after all of the chemo that has been pumped through my body, the cancer is still active. To return to the cancer clinic at St. Joe's for more chemo, nearly 8 months after I started there, has been difficult. I love the nurses there that have treated me so well, but even they are disappointed to see me back under these circumstances. It does make you wonder why, how, and what if . . .?
Those are tough questions that I pushed aside 8 months ago due to their irrelevance. I could not answer those questions when this started, and I still cannot now. They still hold no bearing on what my future holds. They do become harder to ignore after 8 months and at the beginning of the third line of treatment. Why can't I beat this, and what if I don't beat it, are not pleasant questions to be asking yourself. I can't say that I dwelt on them, but they did start to gnaw at me, at least up until 3 weeks ago today.
As I took my walk this morning with Ethan, I was reminded of a similar walk three weeks ago, that helped me put those questions behind me once again. It had not been a full week since I had found out that my tumor marker was rising again, but it had been a rough week. I was faced with not only the how's, why's, and what if's, but also the thought of what now? I was worried about myself and about my family, and what they would do without me. I went for a walk that sunny Sunday morning for about an hour and a half, and I prayed the whole time. Prayer has always been important to me, but I have never prayed that long of a prayer in my life. I asked God the questions that had been troubling me all week, and I told Him what I hoped the answers were. I told Him that I did not feel that I was ready to give up down here, and that I still had a lot to contribute to this world. In the end, my plea was simple, I just want to be. I want to be a husband, a father, and a Christian. Beyond that it is all just icing on the cake. I did not try to make a deal with the Lord, but I told him if he continued to give me the strength to fight this, I would beat it and I would be committed to be a better person than I was before; a better husband, a better father, and a better Christian.
Now I know not all of you reading this may share my belief system, but bear with me here a little longer. I am not going to tell you that a booming voice answered my prayer that morning, or that I returned home to find some unmistakable sign from above. I did, however, feel an answer to my prayer. I felt a sense of relief when I finished my prayer. I felt that I had gotten a lot off of my chest, and that the worry I had begun the day carrying was gone. I can't cite the verse, but I know that scripture suggests we allow God to carry our burdens for us. I never really knew how to do that, but since that prayer I have felt that my burdens are gone. Those disturbing questions may still creep into my thoughts at times, but they don't last and they do not haunt me. I no longer fear what the future holds for me, and I have gained a new appreciation for the present. I can truly say that I am no longer worried about cancer. It may sound crazy, but the worry and the fear disappeared.
Instead I am savoring life; at least as much as one can between appointments and treatment. That morning three weeks ago was a beautiful Spring day, and I watched Ethan giggle as the warm breeze lifted the hair up off of his head. I was so worried about what my future may or may not look like, I was beginning to ignore the beauty of the moment. I was worried about whether I would be around to teach Ethan all of the things a father should teach a son, and then his joy in experiencing his first Spring breeze taught me a lesson. Whether faced with cancer or not, our days on this earth are numbered. In the face of cancer it may seem that the number is smaller than it should be, but we still have no way of knowing how many days are left in our lives. Why not spend them giggling at the wind in you hair, instead of pulling it out worrying about the future?
So whether I have 5 days or 5 million days left, why would I spend them worrying and wondering when and how it would come. Instead I am going to enjoy every moment I have, and if I live to be a hundred and two, just imagine the fun I will have in all of those days. I am going to start working on being a better husband, father, and Christian now, rather than waiting until I beat cancer. I am not going to worry nor be afraid, but I am going to focus on being healthy and strong. In the end, I will do everything that I am able to be a better and stronger person. I am going to enjoy life and giggle with Ethan when the wind lifts the hair off his head. It will either be enough to beat cancer or it won't, but either way it will have been worth the ride. Then I will put my faith into God's hands because he has a plan that is far greater than any I can imagine.
It is easy to become consumed with fear and worry, but that is no way to spend your days, no matter how many you have left, nor whether or not you have cancer. My cancer has proven more stubborn than I had expected, but it cannot match my stubbornness. I will fight it every day of my life, but I won't let it run my life. The highlight of my day today was being beaten up by a ten month old! Ethan decided it was time to take on Dad, and he gave it everything he had; he hit me with toy cars, plastic rings, pacifiers, and smacked me with his bare hands. The whole time he shrieked with glee as he won his first wrestling match. When he wakes up from his nap, he will get his first lesson of revenge in the form of some serious tickling. To me, that is a much better way to spend the day than worrying about tomorrow.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Week 2 of Chemo
I was back in Ann Arbor getting more chemo today. My white blood cells have dropped again, so I have to start being careful not to pick up an infection. The last week I have felt great. The only side effect I had after last week's chemo was due to the high dose of decadron given before the chemo. Decadron is a steroid, and can keep you awake. Last Thursday night I was wired when I got home from chemo, and I did not fall asleep until 8 am Friday morning. This week may be the same thing. The Taxol I am getting can cause an allergic type reaction, so they give a high dose of decadron to counteract that the first two weeks. If there is no reaction they will lower the dose of the decadron next week. Of course, my appointment is first thing in the morning next week, so it likely would not have effected me as much anyway. So no noticeable side effects from the chemo, just difficulty sleeping due to the effects of the drugs to fight the chemo's side effects. Sometimes you can't win.
I have had a busy week since starting chemo, which is good because now I have to tone it down again due to the drop in my blood counts. They are not as low as they were with previous treatments, but they are low and will likely continue to drop.
On Saturday I went Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I took my Dad with me and we had a blast. It was a great game, and hopefully the Red Wings will make it 3-1 tonight. I have the game on right now, so I guess if I can't sleep I have something to watch for a little while now.
I have one more week of chemo in this round, then I will have a week off and they will check my HCG between the two rounds of chemo. When I started the chemo last week my HCG was up to 250. That was up from the 95 it was the week before, indicating that the live cancer cells are growing. The good news is that it is still a relatively low number that is increasing at a slow rate. I continue to exercise and eat well. I feel very strong and plan to continue with the Livestrong program. I am beginning to think about jogging soon. I am walking a couple miles every day, and I jogged about ten strides the other day. That may sound silly, but the last time I tried I did not have the muscle coordination to jog. I have gained that back, so now I may just start jogging a little during my walks. We will see how I feel the next few days following today's chemo.
The Wings just tied the game at 1. Go Wings!! Ethan is asleep, but the last game I recorded and watched the following morning with him. He was running around our coffee table holding on with one hand, one of his favorite pastimes. After the Wings scored I would hold up my hand and he would give me a giggling high-five as he passed by. He continues to walk more, wave goodbye, and now high-five. We had some family photos taken in Ann Arbor on Wednesday and will post some soon. Ethan will be 10 months old tomorrow.
I have had a busy week since starting chemo, which is good because now I have to tone it down again due to the drop in my blood counts. They are not as low as they were with previous treatments, but they are low and will likely continue to drop.
On Saturday I went Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I took my Dad with me and we had a blast. It was a great game, and hopefully the Red Wings will make it 3-1 tonight. I have the game on right now, so I guess if I can't sleep I have something to watch for a little while now.
I have one more week of chemo in this round, then I will have a week off and they will check my HCG between the two rounds of chemo. When I started the chemo last week my HCG was up to 250. That was up from the 95 it was the week before, indicating that the live cancer cells are growing. The good news is that it is still a relatively low number that is increasing at a slow rate. I continue to exercise and eat well. I feel very strong and plan to continue with the Livestrong program. I am beginning to think about jogging soon. I am walking a couple miles every day, and I jogged about ten strides the other day. That may sound silly, but the last time I tried I did not have the muscle coordination to jog. I have gained that back, so now I may just start jogging a little during my walks. We will see how I feel the next few days following today's chemo.
The Wings just tied the game at 1. Go Wings!! Ethan is asleep, but the last game I recorded and watched the following morning with him. He was running around our coffee table holding on with one hand, one of his favorite pastimes. After the Wings scored I would hold up my hand and he would give me a giggling high-five as he passed by. He continues to walk more, wave goodbye, and now high-five. We had some family photos taken in Ann Arbor on Wednesday and will post some soon. Ethan will be 10 months old tomorrow.
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