4/17/09 Today, 6 months after hearing I had masses in my chest, abdomen and lungs, I found myself back where it began; at Dr. Finazzo's office. It has lead to a reflective and emotional day. My sister asked me if it has gone by fast or slow and I don't have an answer to that question. One thing I can say is that we have not had time to think about what we were going through until now. When you consider everything my young family has been through in the last 6 months, it is overwhelming. Thankfully we did not have time to think about what was happening; only time to act and react. Now we have time to think and it is overwhelming. We have learned a lot of things, but most importantly is how we need each other. Megan and I could not have gotten through the past six months without all the love and support from family, friends and the community. This cannot be overrated! Every card, email, blog post, meal, ride, phone call and prayer counted more than you can know. I feel badly that I have not been able to answer every call and email, but that does not mean it didn't count. Every message gave me strength; more than you know. Now that I reflect on the last 6 months, I can be a little more honest. That is not to say that I wasn't honest in my previous blogs, nor did I try to sugarcoat things, but I do think subconsciously I painted a rosier picture for my own sake. The plain and honest truth is that cancer sucks. Sure, I did get through the first four rounds pretty easily, but then as cancer is known to do, it throws you a curveball. My HCG was on the rise and I needed 2 rounds of high dose chemo. Those 2 rounds were the hardest thing I have ever done (yes, even worse than dental school). During the first round of high dose chemo, I was completely and utterly exhausted. It took every ounce of strength I had and drained it. Megan and I noticed right away that the chemo, which previously hung in plastic IV bags was now hung in a glass bottle. She asked the nurse why and we were told that this dose of chemo was so strong it would eat through the plastic! That's what they were pumping into my veins and I knew it! I dreaded going back for round 2 in Indianapolis. Leaving Ethan for 3 weeks and going through that hell again seemed unfathomable. The knowledge that the treatment worked and my HCG was falling gave me solace, but I still dreaded it. Nonetheless, we had to keep going. Everyone has to find their own motivation to fight cancer. I have countless reasons to live, but the two greatest are my wife, with whom I have far too many unfinished plans to leave her now, and the fact that I won't be just a story in my son's life. I reminded myself of this everyday the last 7 weeks in Indianapolis. The other simple thing that kept me going down there, particularly the last 3 weeks, was a calendar of the wall. Every day the nurse would come in with my “numbers”. These were the blood counts I would post to the blog. Everyday I would get them in the morning and then call Megan to share them. Then I would call my Mom who would relay them to my Dad and my sister and out through the family. The numbers were important and showed that I was stronger in the second round. More important to me though, was not the actual numbers, but the filling in of the calendar. I didn't really care if my WBC's were 0.2 or 20.2. I just wanted to see another day filled in on the calendar. To me that meant I had persevered through another day and I was closer to recovery. Each day felt like a test to see if I could endure another day cooped up with no energy and the posting of the numbers meant that I had. Thankfully, I don't have to do that again. So now I have a month to rest and regain my strength; and to wait to see what is next. I am still unbelievably fatigued, but I am stronger each day. My thoughts from the last 6 months are catching up to me and I am glad I didn't have time for them as I went along. There are a few things I can say definitely. To those of you whom have not had cancer, may you never know the agony, but do know that your support is priceless to those of us fighting the battle. To those of you whom have, or have had cancer, know that I am with you, and we WILL continue to fight another day, because that is just what you do.